Sadness 06 November 2005

I feel fallen to my knees with great anguish and desperation to just make it another moment in another day. I keep hopeing that tomorrow will bring me something new, that there will be another reason to find the sun rising and the moon glowing. I have become so weak in all my strength and fighting a war thats never ending. I have come to the breaking of places, people, thoughts, emotion, and being. I have dragged my feet to a crossing border but can I make it past the barbed wires and security patrol of my soul? Can my spirit fight to live past a moment of tiring and extreme exhaustion, of battle wounds that are still bleeding?It is said that pain is what reminds us that we are still alive, but this strong power of burning and stinging in my spirit layed bare, I don't know if I am just dead in a place that has me clothed in thorns that blister. I feel cloacked in a burdened despair that has swallowed me whole and is eating me slowly inside. But in all of my fighting in pain and agony, am I hopeless beyond repair? Am I to go unacknowledged in all of my battles and wars of the heart and mind? Am I as alone as I find myself with the eyes sight of a humans bodied ability? If I closed my eyes would I find another standing by my side or would I still be stranded and abandoned by all and every being in existing? Has even God left me?I am stranded in this deep rejection of myself, not just tonight, but in some nights before this. I am becoming buried deeper and deeper within my thoughts and my worries of all my sadness. I have become so tired that I cannot even bring my head up to look toward the skies above. I cannot lift my hands to my face to wipe away the tears that fall and stream across my skin. My eyes so worn that I cannot look and claim that I can even see what stands infront of me.But in all of my broken thoughts that still continue breeding, I know somehow It's not all in useless becoming. I know in all of my walking and running, It's not done in wasted energy and that God and the earth have a deeper planning, beyond my wisdom and knowledge. I have some deeper meaning, a purpose in all the struggling and hurting, I bleed for something.