Love Me

Love me
A new influence
On my child like body
Pink tees and ruffled panties
In a world of impurity
Ugly things in all that once was pretty
The lap of a human now tense feelings
No longer free with childhood memories
No more normality
A deep shade of darkening in these dreams
I once was blind and I still cant see
God help me, save me
Take me from the hands of ugly
Turn filth into diamonds and rubys
Simple things once, now just another existing
I wish I knew the answers
The meanings to this being
Tears locked away never seen
My heart so heavy with burden
So sore from carrying
My body fallen from anything but disgusting
Laid in a corner of empty and forgotten
Hated and seethed
Never again just me
The me I used to be
Numb past awaken and ability
Hurt deep beyond just stinging and burning
Knives through my young heart
Unable to beat freely, an inconsistancy
Maybe someday able to breath
To love, to have loving
Hugs and kisses no longer a secure thing
But hope keeps me here
Alive for another beating
And beyond bad and horrible
I can find someone, something
To love me....just me....

Hatred

Hatred
this hatred burning deeply
the pain of all my destiny
all the searing words im hearing
the look of eyes, their watching
the feeling in all my disappointing
theyre glaring and staring
im alone in all their hatred blaring
the sound of music haunting
loudly I hear it growing
and not too far away
I know their lording
over me, my head its smashing
smearing the blood, my life
across the walls, the floors of wanting
desires rhythm taunting
piercing through my heart, I feel it dying
the child inside crying
I feel her body crumbling
against the flooring, her spirit drowning
and washed away the rain of empty
down the drain a forgotten being
never to live a life of innocently
an unlived body of uncondtioned loving

Beautiful child

Beautiful Child

painted these eyes of misery
sadness to cry in tears of agony
turned a face so warm
a cold hard earth to adorn and scorn
to harm a heart so worn
tattered a fate already sworn
promised a destiny of brown eyed doors
to look beyond a life of beaten horrors
never forgotten a childs words
bleeding I can hear her screaming,
behind closed doors
never to know the pain of her scars
to trace a little girls arms
the tears to wipe from her bleeding heart
all the sorrow in a babys marks
to know, an angel raped and maimed
loving a child so betrayed
but here I am to always stay
to promise you, all thats loving
accepting you for all your worthy
more than all the stars and counting

a poem

and who am I without these things...
the places there's to see and breathe
the people to love and be and need,
these the honor of friendships lead

a persons worthy, none of merely
and I am with blundering failing falling
but so with you and you and hopeing
I am more and more and much to be

better than the wording,
better with the ones that mattered- life and knowing
more than pain and suffering
you lead the way to more and bett'ring

you were the need to meet and met and fare
the weather of storms that headed hardships being
so never know the way you live in love for me
for humanly I know your kind will be in knowing

but no you'll never see the place you heed
the place of heart that keeps the love for you in me
but so the life goes on in living
and changing the days continue growing

because of you, who it is you were to me
and so the dance of streams that weave,
the flight of wings that beat,
of all the things that friendship leads...

Profile

Is it in the wake of the hearts that love me that I do truly exist? It is a short lived life we have here... and the element of people are that of their virtues... I am my faith, my love, my patience, and my hope. Emily once called Hope a tiny bird perched in the soul, singing the songs no one can word, and even though my bird seems silent to the hearts of those that do not see or hear me, the little bird within never sleeps without the music a constant humming. Faith is the tiny ribbon in the wind that seems helpless, but it flies with more control than you can know, and lands at your feet for a purpose and reasoning. Patience is the thing happening when I don't even notice it, it lives in the wake of the little moments that seem to last so long and the long moments that don't seem to last at all. And love... it is the dwelling within the body of Patience, Hope, and Faith and runs like the rivers and the oceans, it feeds the bird of hope, blows the winds of faith, and washes the feet of soils that polute the soul. Within us all is the power to love with our very all, and on the wings of white doves I reach to fly the place where the purest love resides. It is everyday that I walk the road to reach for those around me that are endearing, and each hand I reach to hold I know a piece of me lives within the soul of every heart that I love.

Albert

"Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man you love but with the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but never too far to feel the love within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. - You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn't mean you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime." -Albert Einstein

Intro

Imagine for me your wife, your daughter, your mother... In her car driving down the road on her way home. Suddenly on the news the break of a brutal car crash en route and momentarily that person crosses through your brain but you have no real idea that It's them. They describe the car, a mans voice over the radio reads you the fate you didn't think could be. The woman is trapped inside her car pinned in between metal parts and debris. She screams for help but the sound just blends out into the background noise. You turn on the television set and you find the local news station and there she is, you see the vision of her crying face scoped out by a local camera guy, bleeding from her head trying to gain help but has to wait. All you can do is sit there helplessly staring away into the face of her pain, knowing she's crushed inside by the machine that surrounds her body. Her muscles ripped, her veins cut and mutilated, her bones crumbling like sand under a wave.
You drive to the nearest hospital to meet her and you see the bruising, the bleeding, the bones showing through. The site of her makes you ache and scream inside your head. You want to fix the wounds, heal the broken and torn pieces hanging loose. Now imagine she never heals. That day in and day out the wounds still stay. The bruises never fade, the bleeding wont clot, and the roaring pain is never slain. They continue to stitch and staple but it just goes on and on in vain, not an inch of success to their name. How do you feel, insane? Is the very best of yourself fading into a mold of her sanity, of no relief, no vision of a better day? Week after week of just the same, until months and years go by and no one knows what to say.
Does it sound like fiction I write in this instance, an imaginary image I am just using to explain? Well the story isn't fake, except I was never in any car crash. I have no open wounds, I don't bleed here in front of you, and my bones don't sit here jagged and broken through. You can't see the pain but its true, the very basis of my body hurts day in and day out, like the broken bones of a train wreck, the wounds of a street fight, the black eyes of abuse, the feeling of razor blades in your hips and knees. The head aches like fire burning in your brain. Yet no one believes, because they cannot see, not even the tears of a person disappearing in her agony she is shunned and left to fade away in her pain. No one hears you screaming, no one sees you crying, and no one listens to your begging for help. You are turned away at every door you knock.
You still think I'm speaking fiction? Then walk with me in my journey with an invisible disease. You may still never see the broken, ripping, seering, or bleeding. But for an instant you may know a piece of the life I live, and what thousands live through everyday....

Erin,

I don't think you realize the caliber of your offense, or maybe you have no realization at all that you have done anything wrong but, you have. You have assumed your place in my life when I have never given you permission to or allowed you in that place in my personal life. You have crossed a serious barrier into someone else's personal affairs, and that is NOT okay. I am an incredibly and immensely private person and, though at times you have poked or prodded at my own private situations I have been allowing of you to know parts and pieces of information that seemed appropriate at the time to share. As far as any information I have given you about my relationship with Savanah, it has been too vague for you to know whether or not I missed her within my life. For you to assume that I wanted her to have any of my personal information or feelings (feelings in which you didn't even fully understand by any means) is an incredible violation against me.
You continue to try and contact me as if nothing has gone wrong. You call, text, IM, email and leave continuous messages acting like I am the one with an offense against you. You act as though nothing has happened and that you don't understand why it is that I refuse to be collaborative in having a conversation with you. You have gone over a large line of what is wrong and what is right and, you are immensely wrong in what you have done. This is a very serious matter to me and not something I take lightly and my anger is intense and unbreaking. I cannot tell you how long it may take me to be forgiving of the matter but, whenever that time may be I will be the one to contact you, until then no further contact needs to be made. I also need you to understand that this isn't going to just blow over and that you can continue with the same expectations as you have had. You need to know that there are barriers in peoples lives that you cannot just cross and go into without that persons authority. If you continue to over step your bounds then you and I will have nothing further to say to one another, and it will be an end to any contact between the two of us.
This is all that I have to say for now. I need for you to leave me with my own space and time to think and consider my own feelings. If you over step my need for space then there will be no further letter to state anything, this is your only warning please respect my wishes.

Take Care,
Tam

For a friend

I was reading someones blog and I felt as if I had been sitting near to them as they spoke and poured the tears we do not see onto paper, and they were part of my own to claim. The life we live walking around trying to find something accepting, and I see myself in the reflection of the insanity, of the existance we spend so much time mourning our childhoods, our livlihoods away. We look for someone to accept us as we are and as these people walk on by without a glance in our direction we feel ourselves grow smaller and smaller inside and our worth in the world declines. The imperfections stare back at us as we look in the mirror to find some comfort in some kind of "legitimate" beauty, and it makes us invisable to the world and to ourselves. It gets so far as to make us forget the things that were ever once considered beautiful or acceptable in the eyes of just our own selves.
We become misplaced souls within a body of disgust and hideousness and lose the persons we may have ever once been for the sake of painting a face, cutting a stomach, cracking a nose, injecting the lips, measuring our hips, and inflating our breasts. We have become bodies without spirits and hatred without a cause. We instill the mentality into those who dont look like Janice Dickenson or Tyra Banks, that they have less to offer the world and become the abused and used. We breed ignorance in our selfishness and shamful habits and make the lives of people a burdened hell because we choose not to understand them. And if all of this is considered beauty, then please call me ugly, because I do not want to be that kind of pretty. I will not live this life to please the eyes of judging, and I will not lay down as the rug and be dirty with the foot prints of those who truly are the words of "ugly" and "dismaying".