Sadness 06 November 2005

I feel fallen to my knees with great anguish and desperation to just make it another moment in another day. I keep hopeing that tomorrow will bring me something new, that there will be another reason to find the sun rising and the moon glowing. I have become so weak in all my strength and fighting a war thats never ending. I have come to the breaking of places, people, thoughts, emotion, and being. I have dragged my feet to a crossing border but can I make it past the barbed wires and security patrol of my soul? Can my spirit fight to live past a moment of tiring and extreme exhaustion, of battle wounds that are still bleeding?It is said that pain is what reminds us that we are still alive, but this strong power of burning and stinging in my spirit layed bare, I don't know if I am just dead in a place that has me clothed in thorns that blister. I feel cloacked in a burdened despair that has swallowed me whole and is eating me slowly inside. But in all of my fighting in pain and agony, am I hopeless beyond repair? Am I to go unacknowledged in all of my battles and wars of the heart and mind? Am I as alone as I find myself with the eyes sight of a humans bodied ability? If I closed my eyes would I find another standing by my side or would I still be stranded and abandoned by all and every being in existing? Has even God left me?I am stranded in this deep rejection of myself, not just tonight, but in some nights before this. I am becoming buried deeper and deeper within my thoughts and my worries of all my sadness. I have become so tired that I cannot even bring my head up to look toward the skies above. I cannot lift my hands to my face to wipe away the tears that fall and stream across my skin. My eyes so worn that I cannot look and claim that I can even see what stands infront of me.But in all of my broken thoughts that still continue breeding, I know somehow It's not all in useless becoming. I know in all of my walking and running, It's not done in wasted energy and that God and the earth have a deeper planning, beyond my wisdom and knowledge. I have some deeper meaning, a purpose in all the struggling and hurting, I bleed for something.

Little girls dreams

moon lit darkness, star light veil
butterfly whispers, of magic in fairy tails
blackened skies, blue cloud dreams
all of the famous tall tale things
whistles of wind sings, quietly chanting
mysterious wonders of love everlasting
ghosts a haunting, but nothing too scary
just these wanderers spirits step dancing
tapping the windows, time ticking by
the sound of a face growing old and wise
the cry of a soul, in laughter and happy
the joy of a girl crying ever so sadly
down through the tunnels of deep and rising
the soils of lands far from humanly timing
tasting the essense of wonder and fantasy
all the things dreamt in a little girls entity

unnamed

and though I walk beside you see
I am nowhere near your visions seen
the ghosts of many marked and mean
guarded by the steps I lead
and to all those who tread the place
I walk and run and stead a pace
my footed markings not the race
but wings of loving set my space
and though these winged wanes and woes
the crooked face of friendless foes
they have no place amoung your souls
their empty headed hateness grows
they go and row a race to hold
to take your love, your kind, your gold
to have the place my steps still brace
the one my love you stay to hold
and here I pay the steps I told
the promises I made to go
to give not take but love not waste
to show you all the things not sold
by heartfelt friendship cant you know
I am your friend, your matching soul

Perditions

tirsome I wait
I wait for the day
for all the pain to fade
to fade away from this
the race to never end
to forget and no regret
regretting the day I ever made
made the choice I did to say
to stay and break
shards of glass to pierce and press
to press a flesh too broken to fix
to convict the truth in me
cutting apart like slabs of meat
slices of reality
displaying me, on hooks to see
purchasing my soul to eat
to gorge and feast on sinful sweet
the bleeding flesh to seep and drink
unhuman I became a stain
a spirit sunk to nothing and noone
forgotten in breeding they're seething
a body broken and beaten,
tenderised to sweeten
but hollow in theyre skin
they eat their own intention
the broken existance of the sin
of rape and perdition, souless decission
enemies they make them
and lonesome the persons who held my prison